I was raised in a catholic background. I grew up thinking that god is some sort of judge that punishes you. I would be scared of not being a good girl, as I would have to face the consequences.

And then, there’s society. Your tribe, your social groups shape your reality to the point that you really want to ‘fit in’. You have to go to school, have a career, buy a car, get married, buy property, get a masters, get a PhD, send your kids to the best and most expensive university, and so on.

Life Has Been Making Choices For You

By the time you realise, life has been making choices for you… but where’s your heart?

Yes, you would tell me that you chose your partner because you fell in love, and that you went to school on the field you have loved since you were a child. You might have purchased the car of your dreams and be living in a nice house that you chose carefully. All this is true. However, it’s all within your comfort zone.

What happens when you are forced to make a big decision? And by forced, I mean both an external driven decision and an internal one.

Let me explain further.

By external I mean something like: Your boss tells you that you need to get that masters, otherwise you will lose your job. You are 40, have 2 kids, a husband, and the idea of going overseas to study with a bunch of teenagers is really out of what you really want to do…. Then what to do? Choices, choices.

By internal I mean something like: You have been with a certain partner for X number of years. You don’t fight, you care about each other, you think you still love each other. However, something inside you is telling you that you miss passion, you miss certain things that a relationship should have. You know, deep inside, that things have changed and that you are here just because you are a bit used to the situation, you are again, within your comfort zone. Choices, choices.

Making A Choice Means Literally, Changing Your Life

In both situations, you are paralysed. Making a choice means literally, changing your life. And you are so cozy and warm here within this comfort zone. You are, let’s face it, scared to death to jump off the cliff. What if the parachute doesn’t open? What if I leave her / him and discover that I should have stayed? Or I never find a partner this and that again? What if I go back to school and in the meantime my husband / wife cheats on me? What if my kids resent me for the rest of my life? What if…”

Fear is usually driven by anticipation. We create a lot of possible futures in our minds, and they are 99% disaster.

We humans have an amazing gift that is called creation. We really should be recycling that from ancient traditions, as we keep forgetting that creating future options can also be done in a positive way.

So, How To Deal With This?

I am definitely no expert, but know from my own humble experience, that some little steps and tips, can ease the process. I will try to list them here, and please know that I am polishing this in my own life as I type. I am a list person (anyone that knows me well will tell you that, lol!) so I will put together a list to share.

1. How To Deal With Fear

We fear failure. We fear pain.

Though those things are usually optional. We usually feel more pain from the anticipation of the real thing, than with the situation itself. As stated above, we imagine 150 scenarios in which we fail. And then we tell ourselves: “well, what is the worst thing that can happen? Such and such”. What a brain washer! It attracts negatives things!

The only way you can deal with fear is facing it. Accept it. “I am scared to do this”. Does it make you feel better? Yes! You are facing the dragon… and it’s damn hot near him, you are kind of burning… an yet, something shifts when you recognize that this situation is making you feel like a 5 years old fearing the ghosts in the closet. Showing yourself vulnerable (to yourself first) is definitely A first step.

There is nothing wrong about being scared. We all feel fear. We are all human. Fear is a trampoline, the reason why extreme sports exist… fear to death? Fear to lose? Fear to get hurt? Fear of what you don’t know… and you don’t know because it has not happened to you before… and this leads me to the next point.

2. Be In The Present Moment

Feel your heart. Now. Not tomorrow, not yesterday.

You will tell me here that this is a major choice, that life will change and that I am telling you that you have to stay in present time… and of course, I should be talking nonsense. But maybe not.

Major life choices are basically pointing an arrow. That doesn’t mean you will hit the target right away. That doesn’t mean you will find a straight route. But if you focus on the winding road ahead of you, you will never shoot. Does that make sense?

Find something that grounds you. Be out in nature, exercise, meditate, etc. Find something that connects you to yourself. Find solitude, find your heart… he knows better, he has a map.

3. How To Deal With Pain

Someone I love deeply told me once: Pain is optional. WTF? What a lie! I thought at that time.

I was heartbroken, of course…

But then, after several years, going back and checking within my heart… I discovered that I was in pain due to the fact that I was clinging onto my comfort zone. I thought I was losing everything I had. I thought I was losing myself by losing someone. The truth is, you never lose people… things change and shift. People you love will always be with you, in your heart.

Of course there is pain in the world. You will feel it. I am not saying ignore it… but you can listen.

Why am I in pain? Can I let this pain surround me, be with me? We tend to want to run away from pain. That’s why it keeps chasing us.

Easier to say it than to do it? Of course! Go to the gym for the first time in years, go to the ab section, and do 200 crunches. You WILL be in pain the next day!

If you keep going, though, pain will fade away… and you will have a six pack.

Same goes with emotional pain. Feel it. Go to the bottom with it… and it will fade. The faster you reach the bottom, the faster you will heal.

And… don’t anticipate. Again… and I might sound like a parrot here… we are more in pain about things that haven’t happened that about the real present moment. You don’t have a crystal ball. So move one with your current steps. Baby steps… one after the other…

4. Decipher What You Want

It can be as easy as: “I want to leave this job. Why? I don’t know, but I am feeling this urge to leave”.

Sit with that type of intuition for a while. Connect your head and your heart and ask yourself if you truly want that or if you are running away from something. And maybe you really, really, from the bottom of your heart want to run away, leave everything behind and go travel the world! Who knows!

We usually disconnect heart and mind. We go one way with the brain and one way with our gut feelings. Try to align those two. And please, don’t try to understand reasons of the heart… If “it feels right”, then it’s your heart speaking to you. If you feel discomfort, if you feel upset, if you feel uneasy… don’t go there.

5. Jump!

Okay, here goes the hardest part. You are on top of the cliff. Clouds at the bottom. No one around, no parachutes around, you cannot see what is coming.

And here comes your mind…

“You chicken. You are not going to jump. You know you have your life behind you. Why making this change now? Now that you have this nice job, a house, a career? Why making this choice now? You are going to be alone for the rest of your life and all your dreams will go to trash.” etc, etc etc.

You will for sure sabotage yourself. Don’t expect different. We all do it.

So my suggestion here is… feel the fear, again. Close your nose and imagine you are diving into a pool. One, two, three, jump!

You will learn to fly – you will be forced to.

6. And Then?

And of course, things won’t happen in one second. But this will be the hardest step… the biggest one.

After this, it will be one after the other, baby steps, life will flow somehow, with effortless ease.

The biggest and hardest life choices imply that your role is actually making the choice. Your life will change, for good. There is no turning back… or maybe, in some cases, and that is an option you might want to consider. But you will be braver, different.

You can always change your mind. And that is also okay. Again, we are human. Not all our choices are perfect. Actually, none are.

After you make the choice please, let go. Do not try to control every single step you take. Due your diligence, do your homework, keep working towards that goal. But DO NOT force it. It won’t work.

The Lesson: You Have To Trust.

If you have ever rode a donkey, the more you push him, the less it will move. Let him find it’s own way. Lead him gently, direct, tease him, tempt him with perhaps a little food. But don’t over do it. The stubbornness of the donkey while sensing a control freak, will just make him stop.

Enjoy the journey. It’s not really the destination that counts. Life will open doors, life will bring new things… and maybe you will be forced to rethink your arrow, or maybe not. No punishment for failing, nothing but bliss is at the bottom of the cliff. You will learn to fly.

Namaste!